Jim Reed
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The Bible Through The Eyes Of Schoolkids
Over the years a Roman Catholic Nun, who was also a teacher tested her students on the content of The Old and New Testaments.
She collected a selection of the questions and answers…and here they are -
Nun Grading Papers
keeping a straight face
Imagine the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!
PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU’LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.
KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
___________________________________________________
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH’S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK.. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
The above may well be apocryphal…but if it’s true, it’s pretty wild.
Responses to “The Bible Through The Eyes Of Schoolkids”
July 17th, 2010 at 9:31 am
Hilarious, although some of them have truth & wisdom in them, for instance “THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.” 
July 17th, 2010 at 7:36 pm
Now let’s hear the corresponding list of Koran hilarities…….
It’s gone awful quiet all of a sudden.
But maybe if they want to share a world of humour they’ll cavort to Christianity
July 18th, 2010 at 9:16 am
You’re right Tony- I have to admit the secular liberal Christians and the Jews have the best sense of humour, including the ability to laugh at themselves and not take themselves too seriously.
And there is much to laugh at. And a few things- damn few- to admire.
I wish the Muslims would lighten up and think about approaching at least the 19th century.
July 18th, 2010 at 11:06 pm
Here’s my take on that…
…Muslims are roughly 3-4 centuries behind the west in terms of blood-letting, vengeance and bogus religious violence. That’s the first thing.
Then…we have the western rape and pillage of Muslim resources by – Britain, Holland, France, Italy, America and indirectly, Canada as a member of the British Empire. This was NATO predux.
Then…we have the conspiracy by Churchill/Eisenhower to overthrow the democratically elected SECULAR government of Iran in 1953.
Then…the partition of Palestine against the wishes of the majority of the inhabitants…
What say you?
July 20th, 2010 at 7:33 pm
They are basically the same, since Muslims have most of the same prophets and beliefs. Christians have tried hard to cavort with Muslims and vice versa over the course of several centuries. The ebb and flow of religious comings and goings has been a lot like the the tides of the oceans. But when push comes to shove we’re all Semites more or less.
July 22nd, 2010 at 5:09 pm
Apocryphal or not … these are hilarious.
Al least the nun who collected them had a sense of humour. Anyone who is offended by this is a sanctimonious twit. For all of the offenses religions have perpetrated on man and nature I would have to say “Suck it up”!!!!!
July 22nd, 2010 at 8:49 pm
‘JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.’
You gotta love that one. (Now the story almost makes sense.)
‘Unsympathetic genitals’! Yowza.
Thanks for the post, Jim. I needed a good laugh.
And kudos to the kid who pointed out that unleavened bread was bread ‘without any ingredients’.
July 23rd, 2010 at 12:06 pm
I’ve read this a couple of times just to enjoy its pure humor. Thanks for posting it.
It would be interesting to see how the Fundementalist would respond to this exercise.
Can’t you just imagine how Sarah Palin would respond!
July 17th, 2010 at 7:50 am
This is actually quite funny. As are all religious superstitions. The sooner we relegate them all to the status of Greek Myths, the better. Perhaps then we can make some progress to solving the problems that face us all, rather than relying on some sky fairy to make it all better. And of course to incinerate our enemies.